New stuff

While my experience of Australia was tainted by the simple fact that it wasn't where I wanted to be over Christmas, the place was home to a variety of interesting creatures, all of whom - including the obligatory kangaroo above - perked up my spirits no end.

While sparrows hopping around your table is rather sweet and endearing, having one of these goofy-looking creations galumphing around the place is a different matter entirely. I have forgotten what they are called but they are all over the place in Australia's cities and are not shy in making overtures towards the muffins of strangers. A close look at the waitresses (themselves often not much larger than the birds) sent to chase them off revealed an unmistakable and understandable degree of fear.

The downright peculiar creature award goes to this lizard which, over thousands of years has developed a bum which looks exactly like its head. The idea is that predators get confused and go for the wrong end, thereby allowing our symmetrical friend to escape and live the rest of his life without a bum. Why the handler has a bandaged arm and which end of the lizard was responsible remain unclear.

Brisbane's riverside wins the bad taste award with this lamentably offensive slurpee advert, proving conclusively that all those involved in advertising have their brains in their arse. I can just see next season's effort: 'Twin Tower Burgers - Can you topple them?'

Brisbane was also home to the smallest toilet I have ever encountered. Everyone, I'm sure, is familiar with shower rooms so small that you have to close the door before opening the shower. However, this was the first toilet I have been in where I had to lift the toilet seat before opening the door to get out.

Singapore has a bad reputation for being overly authoritarian and I was expecting to find myself followed around by teams of clean-cut policemen, all waiting for me to fart or burp or forget to comb my hair (all of which are offences I'm sure are punishable by public flogging). However, those who know me well will be aware that under my apparently easy-going and laid back exterior beats the heart of a true conservative reactionary and I found myself rather at home in this land of peculiar rules. For example, consider the following; all of which are enforced by a system of fines averaging about $500.

No chewing gum.

Perfectly sensible. It's stupid stuff that collects grime once it has been spat out and makes pavements treacherous for old ladies who get stuck to the paving stones while window shopping and often lack the strength to free themselves. Added to that, it looses its flavour in about three seconds and spends the rest of its time lolling around in your gob like a slippery piece of Blu Tak.

No dropping litter.

Back in Britain it's always people who drop litter who complain about what a state the place is in and how the council should come down and do something about it. Things are even worse in most of the rest of the world and, not wanting to sound like a colonialist wanker, people in places like Peru, Malaysia and Cambodia should really be able to grasp the concept that if they put rubbish in bags rather than throwing it on the street then they won't have to trapse through it every day. (Of course, things get a little more complicated when the government has spent the entire rubbish-collection budget on dodgy trips to the Algarve - but I digress). In Singapore, this is a great rule and I approve.

Stand to the left on escalators.

In theory we have this rule back home and I expect it is in place wherever escalators are found. However, only Singapore has the good sense to enforce the rule by hauling any right-standers out of line, emptying their wallets and giving them a sound thrashing with a gnarly length of bamboo. I'd like to see the punishment extended to that peculiar breed of granny who, upon alighting from the escalator, feels the need to stop dead, causing a massive human pile up behind her.

No dancing in public.

This goes too far. I cannot endorse a law that restricts a person's fundamental right to boogie, bust a move or shake what their mama gave them. If the right to gyrate like a maniac wherever you please is not protected as a basic human right then it bloody well should be. I intend to take the matter up with the UN but, until then, I have to be satisfied with my own light-footed protest in the heart of Singapore's downtown.

Pretty much the only reason for my stopping off in Kuala Lumpur, capital of Malaysia, was to take a look at the Petronas towers which were, when I left home, the tallest towers in the world. They get their namer from the Petronas oil company which owns them but the word also means 'brothers' in Malay. Unfortunately, not only were the towers no longer the tallest by the time I got there (having been topped by a tower in Taiwan) but I was only allowed to go halfway up. Am I alone in thinking that this, in some way, misses the point of visiting a very tall building? All in all, the endless waiting around and the strictly-limited, ten-minute free visit to the 'skybridge' made the whole thing seem a bit oppresive.

I'm afraid there is no real reason for including any of these pictures other than I thought they looked nice. They are all from Bangkok and the one below shows one of the street stalls that set up in the evening. The one above shows something that you just don't see everyday (unless, of course, you are in some way affiliated with the balloon trade). The last picture is simply here to reassure everyone that, while I'm being reasonably adventurous when it comes to trying new foods, there are some things which are best given a wide berth.